Inspired by Amy Cuddy’s Ted Talk

         As a health care professional, I have always been innately responsive to non-verbal cues and to the nuances of therapeutic communication.  I am acutely empathetic and often I am able to interpret the emotions and the experiences of others.  I am intrinsically interested in social behaviors, patterns and the dynamics in relationships.  Because of these qualities, I am authentically motivated to ease suffering and be an agent of healing.  Recently, I have been on my own journey of channeling these attributes into alignment with a higher good.  Approximately one year ago, I began to incorporate body language strategies to increase my confidence and presence in the classroom and in my personal life as a means to elevate my affect. For example, practicing the posture of a strong back and soft front, lifting my chin and my eyes and being fully present in any moment.  I recognize that in order to perform and be in optimal service to others, I need to be aware of my own energy and be fully rooted in each moment.  I also need to safeguard my energy. This has been an integral progression in my journey from a healer to an instrument in supporting others on a similar path.  ‘Every new level will require a new version of you.’ I am on version 3.0.

         It is in this mindset, that I fully embraced Amy Cuddy’s message.  She even mentioned ego, which has been vital to release in my own experiences.  In scientific terms, body language is an element in a feedback loop as Cuddy explains in her talk.  Our mind and bodies respond to our subtle mannerisms, postures and physical expressions biochemically through the release or inhibition of powerful hormones, namely cortisol, testosterone, oxytocin and estrogen.  Cuddy focuses on the stress hormone cortisol and the hormone testosterone to support her claims.  I am aware of additional interactions due to my background in the nursing. I would like to share a relevant interaction to illustrate this point. 

         As a labor and delivery nurse, I had the opportunity to observe numerous physicians in their interactions with patients, while performing surgery, in collaborating with the healthcare team and in one on one interactions.  I admired many for their ability to perform under high stress circumstances and claim leadership in the midst of chaos.  One physician in particular inspired me.  She had a full practice of faithful patients.  She performed with competence, compassion and confidence.  In one conversation with her, she stated that she had extra testosterone, or the confidence hormone, which enabled her to assume a leader role.  This was obvious in her postures.  She always claimed her space physically, intellectually and emotionally.  It was then I was able to fully comprehend that our hormones are oftentimes dictating our experiences.  My version 2.0 unfolded. While estrogen (the female hormone) and oxytocin foster nurturing and intimacy, testosterone (the typical male hormone) facilitates confidence and assertiveness. Cuddy explains these influences in the classroom setting as females exhibiting low power in their body language and males often assuming power poses, comfortably exerting their dominance despite no difference in qualifications. 

         Cuddy proclaims that our body language does influence our mind through hormonal responses.  In fact, she states assuming a power pose (expanding your space) for two minutes has been proven to increase our testosterone levels and decrease our cortisol levels.  With a decrease in cortisol, I would add, heart beat and breathing steadies, there is a decrease in blood pressure and the fight or flight response is potentially avoided.  Cuddy is also an agent of meaningful change. While these facts in themselves are empowering, she urges each of us to utilize them to “fake it until you become it.”  By making relatively minor, consistent adjustments in posture, we are able to reconfigure our brains and possibly the course of our lives.  It was in this spirit that I sought to unveil how to nurture positive change in my students lives. 

         Day one of my experiment was dedicated to observation and determining how to develop meaningful interventions.  My initial objective was obvious; my students are challenged to incorporate the skills mastered in the safety of our skills lab to a clinical setting and eventually to a co-operative position in their senior year.  My students are summoned to progressively develop the autonomy to safely and competently perform skills mastered under the careful supervision and support of their committed instructors. They have the power to positively or negatively affect human lives through these interactions.  How could I provide the additional guidance through this body language challenge to further facilitate this evolution?

I was faced with an early obstacle in implementing this challenge, consistency.  I began this experiment at the end of the week with juniors and began the following week with the sophomores and seniors.  I struggled to determine how to control as many variables as possible given I would not be with the same students for the full duration of the challenge.  On Friday, day two, I developed the strategies I intended to implement with the goal to meaningfully impact a student’s life as Cuddy had done with the graduate student she identified at the end of her talk. I began to reflect on my students individually and who would most benefit from this challenge with the understanding that I would continue to implement it throughout the year with all my students.

         Monday, day five, after thoughtful consideration I determined two students I anticipated would benefit the most from this individualized guidance and support.  One student, student A, is a sophomore.  Student A has touched my heartstrings, for lack of a better expression.  She is shy to the extent of being diagnosed with selective mutism, but her energy is kind and gentle.  I have been working closely with her incorporating other strategies to assist her and she has been making improvements and we have made an authentic, productive connection. I have shared with her my faith in her abilities and the benefits of her gentle nature.  One recent afternoon, I reassured her that I envisioned her non-intimating presence working amazing with children. She responded immediately with a slight smile, lifting her downward gaze to me and stating, “That is what I want to do.”  Bingo. She belongs here.

         Student B is a senior.  I have had the pleasure of working with her for three years.  She is also shy and consistently exhibits low power poses in shop and when at clinical.  Most notably, her gaze is often lowered, her posture contracting and her voice meek.  She, too, is extremely shy but has been able to connect with me and speaks with me comfortably.  She is self-aware about her lack of confidence, her hesitation, and her “awkwardness” when in social or challenging situations. This is an opportunity to in effect change the course of her life before she graduates.  I have faith in that fact.

         On Monday, day five, I spoke with each student privately and gained permission to begin this journey with them.  I ensured that each of them trusted me and was comfortable about this decision with the stipulation that it was not at all mandatory and they could decide to stop at any time.  In order to be therapeutic, it was imperative to me that they felt no pressure from me in accepting this invitation and understood it would not affect their grade for the week.  They both watched Amy Cuddy’s video that night in the privacy of their homes. 

         I instructed them to complete an online wellness survey, https://www.heartmath.org/resources/personal-well-being-survey/?sq=i, to establish a baseline of their levels of stress, confidence and overall well-being.  This survey addresses a broad range of qualities from resiliency to adaptability and emotional well-being.  In addition, always in an RN mode, I requested that they each rate their level of confidence from 1-10 with ten representing the highest level of confidence.  As I predicted, their scores were very low.  Student A reported a confidence level of two and student B reported a confidence level of 2-3.  In addition, student A’s total well- being score was a 41%, her stress management score was a 28% and he emotional vitality score was a 48%.  Student B, the senior, had even lower scores on her assessment.  Her total well-being score was an 8%, her stress management score was 16% and her emotional vitality score was a 16%.  I surmised that her lack of confidence influenced her responses exponentially on this particular survey. 

         On the following days, days six through nine, I formulated a creative means for them to implement progressively more confident body postures.  Each morning, I would provide a pseudo prescription with the body posture for that day.  Not only, where they offered instructions on body postures, but medical terminology was reinforced.  Other students became inquisitive and supportive of these students in their challenge.  Examples of these pseudo prescriptions are as follows: (I have pictures if you would like to see the actual ones)

“Keep your eyes forward TID (three times a day) for 15 minutes.”

“Sit at your desk with back straight and shoulders back for 10 minutes BID (twice a day).”

“Assume a power pose for two minutes @ HS (bedtime).”

“Assume a confident posture for 5 minutes while at clinical today.”  – We discussed what this would look like before Student B left for clinical.  I already noted an improvement in her attitude at this point.

         Student B was absent on Thursday and had difficulty with the instructions to keep her eyes forward (she reported) on Tuesday, so I adapted her progression to only work on this for the duration of the week.  Day ten to twelve was a holiday weekend.  On day thirteen, both students returned to academics for the week.  I arranged to meet student B during one of her breaks as she was the most interested in completing this experiment.  Her prescription for the day was to assume a posture while at her desk that expanded her space for at least 10 minutes.  Again, we discussed what these positions would involve.  When student B left me, I could sense her increased well-being.  She smiled, steadily met my eyes, and her shoulders were back.  I swore I noted a twinkle in her eyes.  We agreed to meet again on day fourteen to debrief and for her to complete the wellness survey post challenge.  

         Day thirteen, Wednesday, I met with student B to complete the challenge and debrief on the effects.  I instructed her to maintain a high -power pose for 2 minutes, specifically the posture of crossing the finish line, before completing the wellness survey post challenge.  She preferred to, rather than retreat to a private area for the two minutes, perform the challenge in shop amidst the exploratory students and juniors.  She was definitely experiencing more confidence to perform this pose in public among her peers.  It was advantageous for the other students to witness because it initiated a discussion on the purpose of her pose. 

         The results were in and they were overwhelmingly positive.  Student B’s total well- being score increased from an 8% to a 34%, her stress management score increased from a 16% to a 62% and her emotional vitality score increased from a 16% to a 43%!  Her confidence score increased from a 2-3 to a 5-6.  I encouraged her to continue to implement these small tweaks in her daily life.  She concluded that through this experience, she “felt happy” and that she “had fun.” In fact, we both had fun collaborating with one another. I anticipate we will continue to do so, perhaps by creating a visual graph of the results.  Would she be willing to present these findings, assuming a power pose in the front of the room, to her classmates?  My bet is…yes!

This challenge was incredibly rewarding, especially because it was so successful for student B. I will continue to nurture confidence in student A. I have faith that this quality will be one she will be able to generate throughout the next three years with the support, patience and guidance of her dedicated instructors. Student B radiated happiness today, her skin glowing and her eyes bright. I am fulfilled. I was able to nurture their version 2.0 by being attentive to their subtle body language cues and by providing this unique opportunity to them for meaningful growth.

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The 2024 Boston Writing Workshop: February 9-10, 2024

If the prevailing message you received as a child was that you were “not enough”, it changes you. This can play out in so many ways that it is almost a part of the human condition.

Not Enough…Not Worthy of LOVE.

You may spend the rest of your life trying to prove that you are. Never fully accepting, that indeed …

You are enough just as you are. You are worthy. You are WHOLE regardless of your circumstances.

You search outside of yourself to fill this void. You gain glimpses of the potential of your worth when you help reaffirm or when you recognize it in others. Much of your energy could remain here because at least it is within your reach.

And when you fall short in any area of your life whether it be as a partner, a professional, a friend or a parent, you experience a reaffirmation that you are indeed…not enough.

You live with this insidious and self- imposed shame.

Sometimes to quell this inner struggle, you accept defeat. You really are just subpar. Just live there.

But then you wake up with the hope that today, even just for the day, you just may be enough. You evaluate everything you encounter through this lens consciously and unconsciously.

It clouds everything.

You may feel as I do that it is time to let the light in. If so, I am with you.

Creative Nonfiction

Although it is praised by those who visit as the cleanest lake in New England, it is quite modest and unassuming in its beauty. It makes sense that those that treasure it are as well. Nestled among the smaller mountains of New Hampshire, Newfound Lake would serve as one of the backdrops of my childhood. To grasp the significance of this, you would need to appreciate all that a lake has to offer. Not to mention the moments amidst this one particular lake that have become ingrained in my mind and have taken on more significance over time.

I know where this story is headed. I know the culmination of it all, at least in my mind. I am just finding myself as I type as I have time and time again listening to the gentle waters lap beside me. Face and heart warmed by the afternoon sun.

Beyond the immediate bay of our beach, lay another 6 miles or so of relatively quiet waters. Among those miles, a sandbar that never seemed to be overly crowded despite its limited size as compared to larger, more advertised lakes in the area. One of its main attractions is the “house on the island.” It is known by most visitors and is perched at the far end of the lake from our beach. A quick boat ride to one of its other main attractions is where this story swells, as if my heart itself is beneath the surface of those waters.

The funny thing about this all is I barely remember the actual events of this story. It has been shared with time and time again by another. This is where this story has been molding me for more than just a day at the lake. The significance of a moment etching itself into my life over many decades.

There was a time our mixed family was fortunate enough to have a boat to explore all these waters. I remind you that it is the simplicity of the moments on this lake that have stayed with me the most. I cannot say that I have traveled much, but I have never felt that I have missed out on too much because I was able to dip my toes in Newfound waters every summer. Those that treasure this often do not want for much more and I am proud of that.

One otherwise uneventful summer day, my oldest stepbrother drove the boat to “the cliff.” It is important to mention that he has always been the cool stepbrother. Cool as in energetic, charismatic and handsome in that unassuming way. I was a preteen, barely filling my bathing suit… if at all with womanly curves. I was awkward, quiet and unsure of myself, but being in his presence always invigorated me. Maybe that is why on this random day I was brave enough to join the others that were jumping off this cliff.

Now, by “cliff” I mean not a massive drop but a jump just high enough that it sort of became this rite of passage. Unassuming dare I state again. It is endearingly called “the cliff” by those that visit regardless. Many would never jump from it I will add.

I barely remember the jump, but I do remember my stepbrother staying close by in the boat and encouraging me. I remember swimming to and from the boat and how soothing the water felt against my skin. As soon as I slipped into the waters from the boat to make my way to the cliff, I was not afraid. I was curious. I seem to remember being pretty calm and focused. The day would end in the same way as many others, probably with dinner on the grill and a small fire. I imagine I slipped under the covers that night with the smell of beach on my skin, smoke in my hair and the sound of crickets and frogs lulling me to sleep, no different than any night there before.

Time would pass, but never the significance of this jump. This story would peak in October of 2020. But first, would be years and years of reminders of this day.

My stepfather, Pep, as he would later be called when grandchildren arrived, actually has the central role in this story. Isn’t it strange how history can take on so many expressions in the grand scheme of life and in everyday occurrences. Depending on who you ask, you may get a different version but that is often what makes it so intriguing. The manner in which a person’s heart and mind can weave their own story, adding significance and meaning wherever they chose. It is our privilege alone to share if we chose.

I do not remember a time without Pep. He was in my life from the beginning, when formative memories would begin to take shape. He was a guardian of sorts. An incredibly hard-working and successful man who lived a life as full and as painful as they come. Yet, you would never hear him wallow, ever. He was a traditional alpha man who protected and provided for his family, as diverse as it was like the lion on a prairie. I was lucky enough to be claimed as one of his cubs when he married my mother. We were a mixed family. Eight children in total all with our own stories and versions of history, especially as it related to Pep’s influence in our lives.

As alpha as Pep was, he would soften around the females in the family. I think all 8 of us would agree, the girls got off a lot easier when it came to our interactions with him. I was his “little honey.” Of course, my mother was always the “Honey.” I’d be embellishing if I shared that my relationship with him did not have its challenges, but that is not what matters to me. Especially now.

Pep gave me something I will forever treasure. It all starts and ends with that jump as silly as it sounds.

Although a humble man, he had a multitude of achievements that anyone else may find themselves bragging about. I never knew until I was much older how hard he truly worked to provide for his family. Despite this, he never shied away from sharing the fact that his “little honey”, scrawny legs and tangled hair, leapt from a cliff without fear. I cannot count the number of times over the course of my life I heard him brag about this fact and those happen to be the times I was in earshot.

Doesn’t seem like too big of a deal. He bragged about all his children and grandchildren to anyone that happened to be around. But for a young girl becoming a woman dealing with grief and loss that belongs to a different story, he made certain I knew that he knew how strong I was. He made me feel beautiful in my skin, but more importantly he constantly reminded me that my beauty was much deeper.

With the passage of time, moments like this can either be washed away like the rippling waters of Newfound meeting their final destination on the shore or they can settle within the fibers of your being.

Pep would never let me forget this moment of newfound courage.

That is why in the final months of his life, as indescribably heartbreaking as it all was, I have something to celebrate. In his later years, as his mind was forced to succumb to his failing heart, he turned to his painting more and more. He left behind countless paintings, many more has he neared his end. He was a fan of fluffy clouds, birds and any body of water. He was most proud of the painting he did of my mother,

“It was so hard to capture how beautiful her eyes are. They are so deep set,” he would share with a bit of frustration.

It was in this spirit, that I made a request of him.

“Pep,” I requested in October of 2020, “would you paint your version of me jumping off that cliff?”

“Ohhh, yes little honey,” he replied with a gentle smile. And that was that.

His condition was deteriorating rapidly, but just before he was hospitalized for the last time, he presented me with my painting. It would only be months later he was gone. I was the first to get the call from the hospice nurse. Despite holding his hand for hours, witnessing some of his last breathes he truly fought to give, he would wait to give his last when he was alone. He did not want to leave us in any way. That much was obvious to me.

“Wow, Pep. This is beautiful,” I exclaimed as I continued to point to the colors of the cliff, the sky and the extra shine he added to the splash around my feet.

I could see in his face that he was proud to share this moment and this painting with me. He knew what it meant to me.

“This will always remind me to have courage,” I added putting my hand to my heart.

“I know little honey,” he whispered as I put my arms around his withering shoulders.

Courage would be exactly what I needed to be with him as he passed. Courage would be what I needed to share a poem I wrote for him at his service. Courage would be what I needed to learn to live and embrace joy despite this loss.

A seemingly insignificant moment, a painting, a lake and a man that will always remind me of the possibility of newfound courage throughout life. That it does not need to be monumental to have a positive impact as if it were the unassuming waters of Newfound Lake.

Today is my biological father’s birthday. I just remembered. But, here’s the thing. I have seen him twice since I was eighteen. I’m forty-seven. Even though I have only seen him twice in decades, I have thought of him a million times over.

In my early twenties I would fantasize about a reunion and a fulfilling father-daughter relationship. I craved a happy ending. My heart was broken.

Today, I reflect on how this relationship (or lack of to be more premise) has impacted my life. I am reminded of it’s influence often in my need to be validated and in my deep seated fear of rejection. I have consciously sought to heal these parts of myself.

I am struck by a unexpected gift this morning. A revelation of sorts. Through the pain that this abandonment has caused me, I have gained not just wisdom but something else. Something so empowering that it has brought me so much peace throughout my adult years.

The ability to accept people as they are. The conviction that you can hold someone in your heart, but not in your life. The realization that generally people are as they are and any fantasy about changing them to your liking and comfort is a misguided expenditure of your energy.

Instead, hold space for them, wish them healing and live your life…with or without them. Ultimately it is you that decides how you allow others to show up for you if at all.

Life is messy and complicated, but I can do without the shackles from the pain in my past. Most importantly, I am worthy of the love I give…now, all those yesterdays (sorry little me) and every day moving forward. I am giving that to myself today, June 11th.

A year that has taken so much from all of us. I do not want to focus on that because there would be so few words left to write about the void that has been felt by each of us. We have been challenged to choose in these 365 days how it would define us. That decision gets exhausting at times. There are moments, like this one, that all there is left is pure and unaltered honesty.

For me, exploring this sentiment fills some of that void.

Most New Year’s I am inspired to transpire with the universe. Today, I simply hope it does not forsake me. 2021 brought to me the deep seated realization that some things simply and plainly…suck. Maybe, that is truly what acceptance is all about. This was a harsh realization but necessary for my preservation.

I am still tempted to share all the moments I have risen to the occasion, especially in 2021. An example of the resilience I have demonstrated throughout my life. But I pause.

Why must I?

With this raw acceptance comes the realization that I am worthy too. Not just parts of me, but all of me. The parts that have been celebrated and valued, but also the parts that are still growing and “flawed.” I no longer need to justify any of them.

Neither does 2021. It was what it was.

In the depths that was 2021, I discovered that worth is not something to be displayed or paraded, but rather something that is experienced and felt.

For all that was lost in this past year, 2021 has safely led me back to myself. I am proud that I am able to continue to show up as her in 2022.

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Stillness speaks; indiscreet, as it may.

The air becomes dense as it burrows within my chest; my heart now in disarray.

In an instant, I can almost sense all there was left to say.

I slowly rise from his chair, living with the memories for yet another day.

It is silent, yet in these moments there is a lifetime on display.

Nothing is as it seems;

I have been living as if a dream.

How could it ever be the same

smiling despite this pain?

I have been a fool.

This world can be so cruel.

You may be right.

All birds do fly out of sight.

Just as for a second I thought,

love would always be my light.

I walk around with a broken heart.

Others cannot see;

the windows are dark.

Some days, I want to scream from a mountaintop.

No one is even there to tell me to stop.

Honestly, I want to punch a wall.

To my knees I’d fall.

Helpless, not hopeless.

But…do we ever really know how it will end?

I don’t think so, my friend.

Win the day,

that is what I say because that is the only way.

Not to lose my mind,

What else would I find.

A bottomless pit,

In which to sit.

For this; I will NEVER quit.

In the uncertainty of the past few months, some things did become more certain.  For that, I am grateful.

• You are not required to be accessible to everyone.  It is not selfish to prioritize your peace.
• Cultivating and maintaining boundaries around your space, time and relationships is a self-care/self-love practice.
• The ego will always slip in the back door.  Do not shame it.  In order to usher it back out, you must be open to listening to what it has to say.
• It is you alone that holds the potential to thrive and fulfill your dreams and passions or to stay where you are.  The energy expended is the same.
• Fears can either keep you stuck or motivate you to grow and create.  They can become a powerful catalyst, while it is only you that is the alchemist.
• The mind believes what you tell it.  It simply is a construct of your perceptions and beliefs. Choose wisely; are your thoughts focused on scarcity or on abundance?
• You have all the potential in the world or none at all depending on which sentiment just garnered your focus.

       Lastly, my new favorite quote on potential:

“For it’s during our expectant hours-those hours that might once have been called ‘idle’-that we are most pregnant with our potential.”   (S.B. Breathnach)