March 26th, 2020
One emotion to describe our present times, uncertainty. Each day, perhaps, revealing more uncertainty. Uncertainty can cause us all to unravel. To grope, to claw at what we do not know and to plead for answers. The unknown can feel so scary, I know. That sensation of falling, spinning and not knowing when and how you will land. Some will respond with anger, some with despair and some will cling to an illusion of control. Ah, yes control. That is a phenomenon for another day.
I have developed an intimate relationship with uncertainty in my life. I can fully appreciate that now. Overcoming the uncertainties in my life since I was young, is helping me to be strong now. No, not strong in every second of every day, but overall…yes.
When it hits me, I recognize it almost immediately. The sensations in my body. My mind scattered. I walk to a window, lean my forehead on the cold glass and gaze outside. The cold feels refreshing on my skin. I have done this since I can remember. In fact, it is one of my first memories as a child. I watch the trees, one or two leaves even, and how they sway in the breeze. I focus my attention on nature. I breathe deeply and give myself space to feel. I do not judge it. I am not ashamed. I am a human and a resilient soul.
Uncertainty in my life has been not knowing if I will ever see a loved one again. It is not knowing if I will be abandoned again. It is experiencing two divorces by the time I was eighteen. It is witnessing firsthand the grip of significant mental illness on my loved ones. It is enduring loss and not knowing how I will cope. But, somehow, I always did. And, so have you endured…the uncertainties in your life as you stand today.
I have stopped expecting that all my questions will have answers. I can still ask, but I must first be OK if no answer comes before I can be brave enough to ask. Yes, uncertainty has taught me as much.
“And, if it didn’t hurt, would you be this strong now?”
Yes, it hurt. And, I am strong now…even in uncertainty. The uncertainty of this pandemic illuminating the lessons that it has taught me much of my life. And, I have hope that it provides that possibility for every one of us.
“She has grace in her heart and fire in her soul.”